The Sad Story of Henry, or A Cautionary Tale About Children's Books

Okay, so anyone with a kid under the age of ten knows who Thomas the Tank Engine is. Thomas' marketing machine is vast and all-encompassing; if you have a toddler or preschooler you have almost certainly been ensnared by it in one way or another. And it's not limited to boys, let me tell you. When Elizabeth was two, she was really into the wooden trains at her daycare center, so she asked Santa to bring her some trains. Santa happily complied, and a wooden figure eight track with an engine and other fun stuff appeared under the tree. However, because Santa didn't see a reason at the time to spend nearly triple the amount on the Thomas brand set, Elizabeth's Christmas trains were plain old trains.

The first thing she said when she saw her lovely train set?
"HEY! WHERE'S THE FACE?"

Anyway.

Thomas has been a permanent fixture in our home for the last few years, and we're only getting deeper in, now that Jacob is two and also loves trains. On our weekly jaunts to the library, he always wants to check out a Thomas story book or a Thomas DVD. Last week when we went, the ENORMOUS BOOK OF EVERY THOMAS STORY EVER was actually available, so we checked it out, and it has been a hit at bedtime ever since. Until we read about poor Henry.

Henry, a shiny green train, doesn't like the rain. He's afraid it will mess up his lovely green paint, and so he decides to hide in a tunnel where he won't get wet. Everyone tries to get Henry out of the tunnel. Nobody is successful.

SO THEY WALL HIM INTO THE TUNNEL AND LEAVE HIM FOR DEAD.

NO. SERIOUSLY.

And this is how the story ends:

"But I think he deserved it, don't you?"

WHAT.

Dan and I looked at each other in HORROR upon finishing this story in the book and basically could hardly believe what we'd just read aloud to our children. The kids looked at us, a little bewildered, because surely that couldn't be the end, could it?

And then Dan and I couldn't stop laughing because it sounds EXACTLY like the kind of ending we would have sarcastically made up for the story, resulting in both children giggling and shrieking "NO THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES." Then we'd read it the right way and everyone would have a good laugh. BUT NO. Henry gets walled into a tunnel and he DESERVES IT. Poor bastard.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that in the following story, Henry redeems himself and they let him out of his Poe-like predicament. BUT STILL.

It's all downhill from here, man. Premature burial at the ripe old ages of five and two? I might as well just bust out "A Modest Proposal" and read that to them tonight.