Construction Zone

Shortly before Dan and I got married, someone who I thought was my friend broke my heart. Without going into the details (which in hindsight seem a little silly to me anyway) let me just say that this particular situation, coupled with a whole lot of rapid changes in my life - marriage, pregnancy, a new baby, parenthood, and most of my day-to-day friends at the time moving cross country - it was a recipe for disaster.

I built up a lot of walls. It wasn't the first time, but in the past I'd built them up, and knocked them down, built them up, and knocked them down. This time - I knew I was not knocking anything down ever again. I was completely uninterested in making new friends, even though our status as new parents almost necessitated it. I was done with making myself vulnerable. I had a new marriage and a new baby to protect, letting anyone else into my fragile heart seemed like a monumentally stupid idea.

You can't stop it, though. Or at least I can't seem to, even when I'm actively trying. I've always had a bit of a sense for walking into new situations and being able to zero in on the one or two people in the room who might eventually become important to me in some way. Sometimes it takes awhile for it to actually play out, but I'm rarely wrong - and I often have very clear memories of our earliest encounters, or even just the first time I see someone. Even so, I've spent the last several years keeping people at arms' length - even people who my gut has told me are the right ones.

Some of them have probably slipped away. But some didn't, and let me tell you - I am crazy lucky for it.  Someone who is now very dear to me had to actually say to me two or three times "Hey - feel free to cultivate a friendship with me" - and it took me months and months to actually do so. I am so fortunate that she didn't just shrug her shoulders and give me up as a lost cause.

What I'm trying to say, and not doing it very well - is that it's nice to have friends again. It has taken a very, very long time. But I think I have finally built some doors and windows into my walls.