Friday, January 11, 2013

Embracing Ordinary

So give me my chance, and give me my wings
And don't make me think about everyday things
They're unnecessary
To someone who is very
Extraordinary
Like me
~"Extraordinary", from Pippin

circa 2003

That girl? She had it all figured out. She was going to have it all, and go everywhere, and do everything. She was in grad school, and she KNEW THINGS, MAN. She had a good entry level job in her chosen career, had been promised a promotion upon completion of her MA (which never materialized, but that's another story) and she was about to get engaged to a guy she was head over heels madly in love with. The whole exciting world of adulthood sprawled out in front of her, the possibilities seemingly endless. She was going to do BIG, IMPORTANT stuff. She didn't know what it was yet, but SHE WAS GOING TO DO IT.

And she tried to, for a long time. She worked really hard at being everything to everyone. She finished her MA, she got married, she got pregnant, she helped launch one of the largest projects her workplace had ever been involved in, she had a baby, she found the perfect daycare and went back to work, and then she had another baby, and went back to work again. She spent a lot of time applying for and interviewing for high profile positions around the country - often landing the interview, but never closing the deal.

She had it all, or very close to it anyway. And she was miserable.


Morning glow, morning glow
Starts to glimmer when you know
Winds of change are set to blow
And sweep this whole land through
Morning glow is long past due
~"Morning Glow", from Pippin

August 2010, the weekend after I (unknowingly)
closed my summer program for the last time.

On a blazing hot day during the summer of 2010, I'd had a particularly rough day in a long series of rough days. I was standing in a swarm of kids with a clipboard full of the names of other people's children. In a moment of clarity, it occurred to me that a few miles away, someone else was standing in a similar swarm, with a clipboard with my children's names on it. I was paying dearly for the privilege - daycare costs for two very young children exceeded my income by more than I care to admit, but I had it in my head that I needed to hang on to my job and my career at all costs. I still needed to be and pursue everything. I was still chasing extraordinary.

Things were tense at home. Money was tight, we were both overworked and exhausted, and the kids were responding negatively to our stress - especially mine.

That fall, Dan was exasperated and worried because I was basically never happy and constantly lashing out at everyone. One evening on the ride home from work, he interrupted my litany of complaints with something he had said before but that I'd never really heard:

"Why don't you just quit and stay home with the kids?"

Every other time he'd said it, I'd dismissed it completely, both verbally and internally. This time was different. I still blew it off in the moment... but something in my brain clicked, and I let the thought marinate for a little while.

Why not? Why DIDN'T I just stay home with the kids?

The truth was - I was scared. I was scared that I didn't have it in me to be what they needed, even though I had spent a decade working with literally thousands of children. And I was even more scared to leave behind my career... what I saw as my last path to being different, special. If I walked away now, what was I? Just another stay at home mom? There's no way to parlay that into anything extraordinary. Even though the writing was on the wall, I still let myself rage against it for a little while longer, unwilling to purposely shrink my world.


Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?
~"Corner of the Sky", from Pippin

  May 2011, filled with angst on my last day at work.
(For the record, I cheered up after a whole lot of sangria.)

I was ready to leave my job - I'd been ready for a long time. But I wasn't really ready for what it meant to be a full time stay at home mom. I struggled - and still struggle - with guilt and worry.  I cocooned myself and the kids into a simple routine that made it possible for me to avoid interacting with most people. I didn't know where I fit in. I felt cut off from my old community, even when it reached out to me and tried to support me in our new situation. I avoided old friends and didn't even let myself dream of making new ones. I was terrified of seeking out a new community, although I was basically forced to find a place in one anyway when Elizabeth started kindergarten. It was a tumultuous time, and after about a year or so I began to wonder if I would ever evolve past feeling like a stranger in my life, in my kids' lives.


Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I'm not a river or a giant bird
That soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free

I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
We never came close, my love
We never came near
It never was there
I think it was here
"Magic Shows and Miracles", from Pippin


 Late last spring, several things happened at once. Elizabeth finished kindergarten and turned six. Together, we finished our first year together with her girl scout troop - leading it was the one big thing I'd forced myself to take on, because I wanted that experience for her so badly, and there was no troop for her at her school. Jacob began attending weekly play dates with the children who would be in his preschool class in the fall. We launched into a busy summer full of swimming lessons and day camps and library workshops and trips to the pool and t-ball games. In the midst of all that sunshine and activity, I somehow found myself breathing easier... enjoying myself. I was actually talking to the other adults around me. The skeptical side of me figured it would pass, it was just the pleasant, carefree pace of summer that had me feeling better about things. I hadn't had an easy summer in ten years; when I was working it was the busiest time of year for me because of the nature of my job.

To my shock... the feeling stuck. I found myself looking forward to fall, to scouts, to preschool. I felt comfortable in my own skin again - even though everything, every detail about my life was nothing truly notable. I'd actually go so far as to say that this is the most comfortable with myself and my choices that I've ever felt, and there is something so very freeing about that. I no longer equate "extraordinary" and "worthwhile" - which I never even consciously realized I was doing until recently.

Everything about life these days is ordinary, unremarkable... and totally worthwhile.


Morning glow, by your light
We can make the new day bright
And the phantoms of the night
Will fade into the past
Morning glow is here at last
"Morning Glow", from Pippin

October 2012, and finally settling in.